1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,975 I found this typewriter next to the courtyard dumpster. 2 00:00:09,075 --> 00:00:12,875 An old Underwood 5 with original carriage return. 3 00:00:14,781 --> 00:00:18,478 Took her home, polished her up and bought a brand new ribbon 4 00:00:18,551 --> 00:00:20,576 off of electronicbay. com. 5 00:00:21,788 --> 00:00:23,779 Okay, somebody has got to do something. 6 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,688 I'm getting a cluster headache. 7 00:00:26,826 --> 00:00:28,418 He's leaving. 8 00:00:28,795 --> 00:00:29,784 Let's go. 9 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,660 I've got to throw it away. 10 00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,523 No, I'm not. It weighs a billion tons. 11 00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:35,761 What is he typing, anyway? 12 00:00:36,102 --> 00:00:39,868 "If you sons of bitches try to remove this typewriter, I'll kill you." 13 00:00:42,075 --> 00:00:44,407 I'm going to type every word I know! 14 00:00:45,845 --> 00:00:48,871 Rectangle. America. 15 00:00:49,349 --> 00:00:52,045 Megaphone. Monday. 16 00:00:53,586 --> 00:00:54,575 Butthole. 17 00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:17,638 Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, 18 00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:20,473 but these interviews are more important than we thought. 19 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,814 Harvest Fest is two weeks away, 20 00:01:22,882 --> 00:01:25,146 and awareness is still pretty low. 21 00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:28,345 Boy, 35%? It's actually 34.2%. 22 00:01:28,521 --> 00:01:31,456 "34.2%." I'm Ben, the numbers robot. 23 00:01:31,524 --> 00:01:33,458 It's just an exact calculation. 24 00:01:33,526 --> 00:01:35,756 "It's just an exact calculation." All right. 25 00:01:36,062 --> 00:01:39,395 So, we're doing a huge media blitz to publicize the Harvest Festival, 26 00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:42,401 and we've got TV, newspaper, radio... 27 00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:45,336 And I even called Oprah. 28 00:01:46,339 --> 00:01:48,864 Well, I tried to call Oprah. I couldn't get her number. 29 00:01:49,008 --> 00:01:50,669 I'm putting it out there, like The Secret. 30 00:01:52,378 --> 00:01:54,175 And hopefully, she'll call me. 31 00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:58,547 Our first interview is at 93.7 F.M. with Crazy Ira and The Douche. 32 00:01:58,718 --> 00:02:01,414 Crazy Ira and... The Douche. 33 00:02:01,488 --> 00:02:04,218 They are Pawnee's most hilarious drive time radio guys. 34 00:02:04,390 --> 00:02:06,756 So much better than Tubby Tony and the Papaya. Am I right? 35 00:02:07,026 --> 00:02:08,584 They're seriously so funny. 36 00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:10,157 Is this right? 37 00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:11,822 This feels almost perfect, 38 00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:14,890 but I don't think your core has maximized elasticity. 39 00:02:15,268 --> 00:02:18,431 Okay. I'll come back, if you guys are being weird. 40 00:02:18,505 --> 00:02:19,529 No, no, no, no, no. 41 00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:22,575 You're exactly the person that I most want to talk to, right at this moment. 42 00:02:22,909 --> 00:02:24,206 And lunge. 43 00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:26,472 Have you given my offer any more thought? 44 00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:29,443 What exactly would happen if I said yes? 45 00:02:29,916 --> 00:02:31,440 Well, you would work at the state house. 46 00:02:31,618 --> 00:02:34,018 You would coordinate my professional and personal schedule, 47 00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:37,018 and we would give you a small relocation fee for your move to Indianapolis. 48 00:02:37,257 --> 00:02:38,554 That sounds boring. 49 00:02:39,592 --> 00:02:41,890 But I have nothing keeping me here. 50 00:02:42,362 --> 00:02:44,421 Do you have Internet in your office? Yes. 51 00:02:46,399 --> 00:02:47,388 Fine, I'll do it. 52 00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:50,368 That is literally the best news that I've heard all day. 53 00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:53,470 Unlike April, I still do not know 54 00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:55,508 what my future holds with Chris. 55 00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:58,534 And it's starting to bum me out. 56 00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:02,340 I need some more vitamin D. Yeah. 57 00:03:03,449 --> 00:03:06,009 Hey. Crazy. What was that meeting about? 58 00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:08,210 It turns out Chris is my real dad. 59 00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:10,483 I think you're lying. 60 00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:11,922 I think I know what that meeting was about. 61 00:03:11,991 --> 00:03:13,549 You can't go to Indianapolis. 62 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,022 There's got to be something that I can do 63 00:03:15,094 --> 00:03:16,823 to convince you how much I care about you. 64 00:03:19,232 --> 00:03:21,359 Tell me your least favorite things you have to do every day, 65 00:03:21,434 --> 00:03:23,368 and I'll do them for a month. Fine. 66 00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,965 If you do everything I hate for a month, 67 00:03:26,172 --> 00:03:28,868 then I might begin to think about the possibility 68 00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:32,442 of thinking about maybe staying. 69 00:03:32,912 --> 00:03:34,937 That's all I have to hear. 70 00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:37,516 You won't live to regret this. 71 00:03:37,584 --> 00:03:41,418 Unless Andy can un-kiss Ann, 72 00:03:41,487 --> 00:03:43,455 then I'm not going to change my mind. 73 00:03:44,457 --> 00:03:47,153 But if he wants to take my dumb sister to her dumb dance class, 74 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,991 then I'm not going to dumb stop him. 75 00:03:51,464 --> 00:03:54,331 Crazy Ira and The Douche, 93.7. 76 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,698 You know why I'd never be an astronaut? 77 00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:59,666 Two words. Space farts. 78 00:04:00,206 --> 00:04:03,539 You can't roll down the window of the shuttle. Am I right, folks? 79 00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:05,805 Houston, we have a... 80 00:04:05,878 --> 00:04:07,573 What do you think about that, Neil Armstrong? 81 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,807 That's one smallfor man, 82 00:04:09,882 --> 00:04:11,975 one giantfor mankind. 83 00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:15,984 All right. Switching gears here now. 84 00:04:16,055 --> 00:04:21,015 We've got Leslie Knope and Tom "Haverfart" and Ben Wyatt. 85 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,528 And they're in the hizzy to talk about an upcoming event 86 00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:25,425 called the Harvest Festival. 87 00:04:25,565 --> 00:04:27,590 Well, The Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition, 88 00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,965 and it's where fun meets awesome. 89 00:04:31,471 --> 00:04:32,836 Meets agriculture. 90 00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:35,738 And it is going to be next month, right here in Pawnee. 91 00:04:35,808 --> 00:04:38,936 And spoiler alert, it's going to have the best corn maze ever. 92 00:04:39,145 --> 00:04:41,636 You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you, Douche? 93 00:04:41,714 --> 00:04:42,976 That's right. To your mom. 94 00:04:44,984 --> 00:04:47,475 Crazy Ira! Clean your room! 95 00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:50,245 There's also going to be hay rides. "Hey, ride me," 96 00:04:50,323 --> 00:04:52,314 is what Crazy Ira's mom said. 97 00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:53,618 Stop it! 98 00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:57,152 China Joe, you are a poet. 99 00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:02,664 My bird is missing. I need a permit to post signs. 100 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,297 Let me just look for that form. 101 00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:07,771 There's no time! He can fly! 102 00:05:08,274 --> 00:05:09,969 Nine things April hates to do. 103 00:05:10,076 --> 00:05:12,670 Number one, run the permits desk for an hour. 104 00:05:12,745 --> 00:05:13,734 That's no problem. 105 00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:16,145 I eat "running the permits desk for an hour" for breakfast. 106 00:05:16,449 --> 00:05:18,508 Ow. That's... Ow. 107 00:05:18,584 --> 00:05:19,846 Henry. Stop it. Great. Ow. 108 00:05:20,219 --> 00:05:22,346 Okay, Henry. Cute kid. 109 00:05:22,955 --> 00:05:24,183 Andy. 110 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:26,457 Got a sec? Yeah. 111 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,320 Henry. 112 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,963 Why are you working the permits desk, 113 00:05:31,030 --> 00:05:34,022 and why was that child clubbing your nuggets? 114 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:37,864 I'm trying to stop April from taking a job with Chris, 115 00:05:37,937 --> 00:05:41,236 so I'm doing everything she hates doing for the next month. 116 00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:43,169 That's going to work? 117 00:05:43,242 --> 00:05:44,231 She said it might. 118 00:05:44,744 --> 00:05:46,439 But it's all I've got, man. 119 00:05:48,147 --> 00:05:50,741 Give me the list. I'll help you. 120 00:05:51,284 --> 00:05:53,275 Oh, my God. Thank you. 121 00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:57,545 You got it. 122 00:05:57,623 --> 00:05:59,989 No, I don't care about their relationship. 123 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,459 I just don't want to lose April. 124 00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:06,229 I would never be able to find a worse assistant. 125 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,432 Okay. Thanks, Leslie. 126 00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:11,026 But you know, what we really want to do today 127 00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:14,631 is have a chat with Ben Wyatt, here. 128 00:06:14,707 --> 00:06:16,038 Come on, Ben. Come on, Ben. 129 00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:18,373 I'm more of a behind-the-scenes kind of guy. 130 00:06:18,444 --> 00:06:20,742 Well, it's either come with us or get in the spank chair. 131 00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:24,044 So, maybe it's time for an interview. Come on, everybody, give him a hand. 132 00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:27,211 Come on! Come on over, Ben. Yeah. 133 00:06:27,286 --> 00:06:31,620 So, this guy, Ben Wyatt... We're looking him up on AltaVista. 134 00:06:32,158 --> 00:06:36,151 He's from some hick town, Partridge, Minnesota. 135 00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:40,731 And when he's 18, he's elected mayor. 136 00:06:49,208 --> 00:06:50,869 That's funny. That's funny. 137 00:06:50,943 --> 00:06:53,173 Yeah, he's 18, becomes the mayor, 138 00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:56,907 and then blows the whole budget on an ice skating rink. 139 00:06:57,016 --> 00:06:58,847 City goes bankrupt. Joke! 140 00:06:59,619 --> 00:07:00,643 Get out of there! 141 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,416 What did you call it again, bro? What was it called? 142 00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:05,414 Say it. 143 00:07:05,525 --> 00:07:06,549 Ice Town. 144 00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:13,958 I was a kid. And when you... 145 00:07:14,066 --> 00:07:17,467 You end up getting out there and there's a... 146 00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:19,902 I really wish you guys could see this guy right now. 147 00:07:19,972 --> 00:07:21,872 He is drenched in sweat. 148 00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:24,808 There's also going to be ponies at the Harvest Festival. 149 00:07:24,877 --> 00:07:27,869 All right. Let's take a caller from Douche Nation. 150 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,570 All right. Talk to me, caller. 151 00:07:29,682 --> 00:07:31,809 What's up, guys? Just douching over here in Eagleton. 152 00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:32,908 Sweet. 153 00:07:32,985 --> 00:07:35,715 Seems like 18 is pretty young for a mayor. 154 00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,085 What were you, like, 12? 155 00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:41,288 The funny... When... 156 00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,184 I guess... 157 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,365 The fortunate... 158 00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:50,134 Can we just, sort of... 159 00:07:52,104 --> 00:07:54,231 Game over, man. Game over. 160 00:07:55,608 --> 00:07:57,838 Nice job, man. Was that your first time talking to other people? 161 00:07:58,010 --> 00:07:59,238 Because it came off that way. 162 00:07:59,445 --> 00:08:00,776 You embarrassed me in front of The Douche. 163 00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:01,973 I'm sorry, you guys. I just... 164 00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:05,211 I haven't had to deal with that mayor stuff for 17 years. 165 00:08:05,284 --> 00:08:06,410 I guess I'm not totally over it. 166 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,647 No worries. Look, it was just a bump in the road. 167 00:08:08,721 --> 00:08:10,621 Okay. Fortunately, the Leslie-mobile 168 00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:11,884 is an all-terrain vehicle. 169 00:08:12,558 --> 00:08:14,253 So, everything involving Ben is fine. 170 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,592 I just need to talk to you in private about something different 171 00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:19,028 that is not Ben-related. 172 00:08:19,131 --> 00:08:20,120 Ben, good job. 173 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:22,531 Your boy's a nightmare. 174 00:08:22,602 --> 00:08:24,433 I know, but we need him. 175 00:08:24,904 --> 00:08:27,304 If they ask us about the budget, he's our numbers guy. 176 00:08:27,373 --> 00:08:29,603 Well, we should just slap a pair of Ray-Bans on a calculator, 177 00:08:29,675 --> 00:08:30,972 because that would be way more charming. 178 00:08:31,043 --> 00:08:34,809 I'll do the newspaper interview. You and Ben do Channel Four. 179 00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:37,280 Perd Hapley is a big softie. It'll be a puff piece. 180 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,339 He can do it. 181 00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:40,112 So, how are you liking Pawnee? 182 00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:42,580 There are a lot of cars. 183 00:08:42,788 --> 00:08:43,982 I mean, not too many. 184 00:08:45,057 --> 00:08:48,549 Trucks and stuff. But, you know... 185 00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:53,127 Cool. Good talk, Ice Town. Okay. 186 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,528 Wow. Who knew that watercress, garbanzo beans and walnuts 187 00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:01,004 could complement each other so well? 188 00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:02,864 Good dressing, too, right? 189 00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:06,940 Flaxseed and agave. Same basic ingredients as bird feed. 190 00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:10,179 I'm just going to come right out and say it. 191 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:14,079 I want to define your bagua. 192 00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:16,481 Okay. What's that? 193 00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:17,884 It's a feng shui term. 194 00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:21,250 The energy in this house is a little stale. 195 00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:25,757 But I think I can redefine your flow in a very positive way. 196 00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:30,057 Great. I'm not really attached to the way this stuff is arranged. 197 00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:32,226 Or the stuff itself. 198 00:09:32,371 --> 00:09:33,770 Or this house, even, really. 199 00:09:33,839 --> 00:09:35,363 Great, let's do it. 200 00:09:35,808 --> 00:09:38,368 Am I not being obvious enough? 201 00:09:38,444 --> 00:09:40,002 I feel like I'm being obvious. 202 00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:44,409 This just in. Harvest Festival more like "Harvest Bestival." 203 00:09:44,483 --> 00:09:46,041 The Parks Department has planted the seeds, 204 00:09:46,118 --> 00:09:48,177 and now, they're harvesting the rewards. 205 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:49,410 Great. You done? 206 00:09:49,488 --> 00:09:52,787 They'll put the fun in funnel cake. Okay. Now, I'm done. 207 00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:54,927 Tell me about Ben Wyatt. Sure. 208 00:09:55,027 --> 00:09:56,016 He works for the state government, 209 00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:57,960 and he's been coming to advise us about our budget. 210 00:09:58,064 --> 00:10:01,556 Come on, Leslie. The Douche blew this story wide open. 211 00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:03,759 Ben Wyatt bankrupts a town and then comes to Pawnee 212 00:10:03,836 --> 00:10:05,098 to tell us how to spend our money? 213 00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:06,604 There's no story here, Shauna. 214 00:10:06,672 --> 00:10:09,732 He's just a dedicated civil servant who is doing whatever he can 215 00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:12,437 to make sure that this is the best Harvest Festival ever. 216 00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:16,411 And he's easy on the eyes, too. 217 00:10:17,883 --> 00:10:20,078 What exactly is the nature of your relationship with him? 218 00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:21,676 Strictly professional. Just friends. 219 00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:23,187 So, are you colleagues or are you friends? 220 00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,621 We are colleagues with benefits. 221 00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:31,721 We're colleagues who benefit from the fact that we're also friends. 222 00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:34,931 I'm sorry, Shauna. I think I need to go. 223 00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:36,229 But, thank you so much, 224 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:38,031 and as always, everything I said is off the record. 225 00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:39,435 Okay? Bye. 226 00:10:39,939 --> 00:10:41,201 What's the next task? 227 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:42,767 We have to write her grandmother 228 00:10:42,842 --> 00:10:44,503 a thank you note for a birthday check. 229 00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:47,011 It has to be really good, too, because it's five months late. 230 00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:49,807 Never written a thank you note before. This will be fun. 231 00:10:50,049 --> 00:10:51,311 What does she call her? 232 00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,676 Gamma. No. Nanna. 233 00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:56,547 Or Nana. Gizmo. Something like that. 234 00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:04,593 This is for your Gizmo. I think you'll find it's pretty good. 235 00:11:04,764 --> 00:11:07,927 "Dear April's grandmother..." I said grandfather. 236 00:11:09,702 --> 00:11:10,691 Oops. Okay. 237 00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:13,000 "You are a beautiful and amazing woman." Man. 238 00:11:13,072 --> 00:11:15,199 "I hope someday, I can become half the woman you are." 239 00:11:15,274 --> 00:11:16,332 He's a man. 240 00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:18,604 "Thank you for the $500." It was $5. 241 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:21,704 "Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD." He is deaf. 242 00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:25,443 Okay. Do you want me to make those changes, or is it good? 243 00:11:27,119 --> 00:11:28,245 Before we do this next interview, 244 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,220 there's a little secret I want to let you in on. 245 00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:32,154 It's called the "Haverford Schmooze." 246 00:11:32,224 --> 00:11:33,953 Look, I was just caught off guard. I'm fine. 247 00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:35,254 Three easy steps. 248 00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:40,122 Smile, friendly physical contact and flattery. 249 00:11:40,466 --> 00:11:43,401 "Hey, Perd. Was your dad RoboCop? Because your arms are guns." 250 00:11:43,569 --> 00:11:45,434 RoboCop didn't have guns for arms. 251 00:11:45,504 --> 00:11:47,631 Oh, my God. That's so not the point, you nerd. 252 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:48,867 Just saying. 253 00:11:48,941 --> 00:11:49,999 Why are we at a mall? 254 00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:51,603 We're getting you a new suit. 255 00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:53,304 I've let this go on long enough. 256 00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,107 I like this suit. You shouldn't, 257 00:11:55,247 --> 00:11:56,544 because it looks like garbage. 258 00:11:56,849 --> 00:11:59,511 Your suit looks more like garbage. 259 00:11:59,618 --> 00:12:00,744 Really? Yeah. 260 00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:02,947 Because Brooks Brothers Boys doesn't make garbage. 261 00:12:04,123 --> 00:12:06,853 Okay. This next thing is a photography class assignment. 262 00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:08,052 Can you figure that out? 263 00:12:08,594 --> 00:12:11,085 "Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy." 264 00:12:11,163 --> 00:12:12,892 Melancholy. Easy. 265 00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:15,660 Boom. A sad desk. 266 00:12:15,868 --> 00:12:17,597 Boom. Sad wall. 267 00:12:18,971 --> 00:12:22,270 It's art. Anything is anything. Right on. 268 00:12:22,541 --> 00:12:24,099 I'm going to go drop this off and pick up the mail. 269 00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:26,108 Sad floor. 270 00:12:26,445 --> 00:12:28,242 It does look sad, kind of. 271 00:12:29,648 --> 00:12:31,673 Sorry for stepping on you, floor. 272 00:12:35,554 --> 00:12:38,352 Hey. You got Andy doing all your work for you? 273 00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:41,188 Yes, but he said he wanted to do it. 274 00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:42,784 I'm only doing it because I'm getting him back... 275 00:12:42,862 --> 00:12:45,228 Yeah, I don't care. I got something to add to your list. 276 00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:48,493 Yup. There we go. 277 00:12:49,034 --> 00:12:50,558 That's the stuff. 278 00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:52,767 April really does this every day? 279 00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:54,963 Yes. Work the heel. 280 00:12:55,074 --> 00:12:56,200 Andy, can I be next? 281 00:12:57,376 --> 00:12:58,365 Yeah. 282 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:01,375 I have got a corn so big you could slap butter on it. 283 00:13:02,014 --> 00:13:04,482 Welcome to Ya' Heard? With Perd. 284 00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:05,642 I'm Perd Hapley. 285 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,650 The story of our guests today is that 286 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,813 they are from the Department of Parks and Recreation. 287 00:13:10,022 --> 00:13:11,580 Ben Wyatt and Tom Haverford. 288 00:13:11,657 --> 00:13:13,181 What up, Perd? Big fan. 289 00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:15,426 Me, too, Perd. What up? 290 00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:18,286 The thing about this first question is, 291 00:13:18,364 --> 00:13:20,559 I'd like to ask you about the Harvest Festival. 292 00:13:20,666 --> 00:13:23,794 Perd, it's going to be amazing. Carnival rides, games... 293 00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:27,231 Sweetums is even building a plus-sized roller coaster 294 00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:29,467 for some of Pawnee's obese thrill-seekers. 295 00:13:29,675 --> 00:13:31,370 You must be this wide to ride. 296 00:13:31,443 --> 00:13:33,741 Wow. That's going to be a pretty big roller coaster. 297 00:13:34,346 --> 00:13:35,404 Yup. 298 00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:37,714 Hey, guys. How did it go? 299 00:13:37,783 --> 00:13:39,614 Well, there were some sticky moments. 300 00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:41,710 Let's go to the videotape. 301 00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:45,589 Look. Who hasn't had gay thoughts? 302 00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:47,191 Who? - Are you okay? 303 00:13:47,259 --> 00:13:48,487 Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. 304 00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,927 I mean, you know, sometimes, I feel like I might need glasses. 305 00:13:51,096 --> 00:13:52,324 Is there a bird in here? 306 00:13:52,398 --> 00:13:55,663 I swear, I keep seeing a bird in this studio. 307 00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:57,258 Maybe that's all there is to it. How did this happen? 308 00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:00,362 He was fine until Perd started asking him about the "boy mayor" stuff. 309 00:14:00,439 --> 00:14:02,066 What's wrong with you? You look psychotic. 310 00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:06,373 I was 18 when I was elected mayor. Okay? So, excuse me for that. 311 00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:09,241 Cindy Eckert had just turned me down for senior prom. 312 00:14:09,315 --> 00:14:11,681 Do you know how that... I should call her. I should. 313 00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,308 No, I shouldn't. And I'm not going to. 314 00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:14,818 And I'm proud of myself for that. 315 00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:19,750 And then, he talked about feeling up Cindy Eckert for the first time 316 00:14:19,825 --> 00:14:21,122 for about five minutes. 317 00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:22,449 And then, the show ended. 318 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,387 As did our careers and, probably, Harvest Fest. 319 00:14:26,565 --> 00:14:29,534 Boom. Sadness. That's the one. 320 00:14:33,672 --> 00:14:36,163 Natalie! Hey. It's me, Andy. 321 00:14:36,508 --> 00:14:38,339 You're an hour and a half late. 322 00:14:38,410 --> 00:14:41,379 I know. I know. I had to massage a ton of feet. 323 00:14:41,513 --> 00:14:42,639 Super sorry. 324 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,876 Come on. Get in. I need to do everything on April's list 325 00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:46,440 or she's not going to go out with me. 326 00:14:46,852 --> 00:14:48,615 You're into April? 327 00:14:48,687 --> 00:14:51,212 Come on. We'll talk about it in the car. 328 00:14:51,290 --> 00:14:52,621 Hold on. I'll get my books. 329 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:53,953 Okay. 330 00:14:55,127 --> 00:14:57,027 Okay, great. Call me. 331 00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:01,493 That should be some damage control. I'm having dinner with Perd Hapley. 332 00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:02,556 Tom, what do we have? 333 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,293 I've gotten calls from a dozen businesses 334 00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:06,065 thinking about pulling their sponsorships. 335 00:15:06,171 --> 00:15:08,605 Sweetums might cancel the Fat-Coaster. Oh, my God. 336 00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:10,032 Okay, look, we need to focus. 337 00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:11,736 We still have the Pawnee Today interview. 338 00:15:11,810 --> 00:15:13,334 Well, is it too late to cancel? 339 00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:16,480 Yeah. Yeah. It's too late to cancel. 340 00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:18,482 Joan Callamezzo runs this town. 341 00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:21,151 But Ben, don't worry about it. You're not going in front of the camera. 342 00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:22,209 Fine with me. 343 00:15:23,155 --> 00:15:25,055 Are you trying to lure this young lady into your van? 344 00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:26,580 Yeah. 345 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:30,828 But she's being really difficult about it, and it's actually not my van. 346 00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:33,056 I stole it from a friend of mine. 347 00:15:33,332 --> 00:15:36,495 I technically shouldn't be even driving, because 348 00:15:36,568 --> 00:15:38,627 my license is crazy expired. 349 00:15:39,805 --> 00:15:43,468 That's Dwyer. D-W-Y-E-R. 350 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:47,174 Dude! Come on. I've got to get out of here! 351 00:15:47,246 --> 00:15:49,476 Natalie, tell this guy you know me. 352 00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:56,480 Joan? I thought you were Jennifer Aniston filming a movie here. 353 00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:00,391 Joan, let's make a pact, okay? 354 00:16:00,559 --> 00:16:03,084 If we're both still single in an hour, let's get married. 355 00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:05,756 Tom, I'm already married. That's right. To Seal. 356 00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:08,260 What? I confused you with Heidi Klum again. 357 00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:10,925 See you later, Joan. That's just... 358 00:16:11,003 --> 00:16:14,302 That's how it's done. - In five, four... 359 00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:18,836 Hello, and welcome to Pawnee Today. I'm Joan Callamezzo. 360 00:16:19,011 --> 00:16:21,479 Today's guest is Leslie Knope, who is here to tell us 361 00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:24,914 how this year's Harvest Festival is going to bankrupt the city. 362 00:16:25,517 --> 00:16:29,044 Well, Joan, actually, there's a lot of false information flying around. 363 00:16:29,121 --> 00:16:31,282 The Harvest Festival is... Jumping right in. 364 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,086 That's rude. 365 00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:34,453 I just want everyone to know 366 00:16:34,526 --> 00:16:36,494 what an extraordinary event this is going to be. 367 00:16:36,795 --> 00:16:38,262 But at what cost? 368 00:16:38,597 --> 00:16:41,430 How many cities does Ben Wyatt need to destroy 369 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,024 before he's put behind bars? 370 00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:45,030 Ben Wyatt has done nothing wrong. 371 00:16:45,904 --> 00:16:49,772 You know? If you want to ask him questions, let's go for it, huh? 372 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,840 Just ask any question about his past or present. 373 00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:53,468 Just get it over with. Ben, let's get up here. 374 00:16:53,545 --> 00:16:54,534 What? Yeah. Come on. 375 00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:56,776 We'll just ask him a bunch of questions, 376 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,840 and then, we'll get everything cleared and out of the way. 377 00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:00,418 Sound good? Yeah? Great. 378 00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:02,977 Good. Let's take some calls, Joan. 379 00:17:03,288 --> 00:17:06,018 Why don't you? Okay. Caller, are you there? 380 00:17:06,458 --> 00:17:08,688 Yeah, how can you justify raising taxes 381 00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:10,353 for something that will hurt the town? 382 00:17:11,563 --> 00:17:12,621 I... 383 00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:16,098 For... 384 00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:20,060 Just to add to what Ben's stammering about, 385 00:17:20,139 --> 00:17:21,800 we aren't going to raise taxes. 386 00:17:22,408 --> 00:17:25,605 So, that's that. Next caller? 387 00:17:28,514 --> 00:17:29,947 Do you fish, April? 388 00:17:30,015 --> 00:17:31,573 No. Fish are gross. 389 00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:33,650 Let me give you a piece of fishing advice. 390 00:17:33,752 --> 00:17:35,652 I said I don't... When you have a fish on the line, 391 00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,518 you don't just drag it behind the boat. 392 00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:40,587 You either reel it in or you cut him loose. 393 00:17:41,026 --> 00:17:44,393 Especially if he's a nice fish with a big, lovable fish heart. 394 00:17:44,496 --> 00:17:46,327 You don't know what you're talking about. 395 00:17:46,432 --> 00:17:49,595 Maybe not. Maybe you really do hate Andy. 396 00:17:50,102 --> 00:17:53,094 Maybe moving to Indianapolis just to get revenge on him 397 00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:54,662 is a really good idea. 398 00:17:55,541 --> 00:17:57,065 What do I know? 399 00:18:04,983 --> 00:18:06,575 You are going to love this. 400 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:10,082 Verosian tea really supercharges the bacteria in your colon. 401 00:18:10,189 --> 00:18:12,054 Plus, it smells interesting. Waft it. 402 00:18:13,292 --> 00:18:16,056 Are we actually ever going to drink it, or we're just going to sniff it? 403 00:18:16,128 --> 00:18:17,993 I love sniffing. Don't get me wrong. 404 00:18:18,063 --> 00:18:19,724 You are hilarious. 405 00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:23,291 So, you're leaving soon. 406 00:18:23,635 --> 00:18:25,500 Back to Indianapolis briefly, 407 00:18:25,571 --> 00:18:28,472 and then, on to a town called Snerling, Indiana, 408 00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:29,631 for several months. 409 00:18:29,808 --> 00:18:30,797 Never heard of it. 410 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,468 It's quite small. The cows outnumber the people forty to one. 411 00:18:34,012 --> 00:18:35,001 It sounds amazing. 412 00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:40,851 I like you a lot. I love spending time with you. 413 00:18:41,386 --> 00:18:43,684 And I thoroughly enjoy you, Ann Perkins. 414 00:18:44,022 --> 00:18:48,015 I just think we need to talk about what that means for us. 415 00:18:48,093 --> 00:18:49,651 I don't want to be clingy. No, no, no. Please. 416 00:18:49,728 --> 00:18:51,218 It is something that we need to figure out, 417 00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:53,230 and we should do that right now. 418 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,597 I'm so happy you said that. 419 00:18:58,036 --> 00:18:59,367 Wow, that's disgusting. 420 00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:01,833 Yes, it's very hard to drink. 421 00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:06,868 Yeah, why should we trust this Ben Wyatt guy? 422 00:19:07,546 --> 00:19:09,707 Because I'm trusty. Trust me. 423 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:14,548 I'm trustworthy. And I am working very hard to... 424 00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:18,353 ...make sure that this town gets back on its feet. 425 00:19:18,524 --> 00:19:21,322 Here we go. Okay, great. Next caller? 426 00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,524 So, I looked you up on AltaVista, and I found out 427 00:19:23,595 --> 00:19:26,359 that the last seven towns you've gone to ended up bankrupt. 428 00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:30,690 Okay. First of all, why does everyone in this town use AltaVista? 429 00:19:31,403 --> 00:19:35,601 Is it 1997? And second, I am a budget specialist. 430 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:39,868 I went to those towns because they were bankrupt, and now, they aren't. 431 00:19:40,579 --> 00:19:42,638 And yeah, I screwed up when I was 18, 432 00:19:42,714 --> 00:19:44,875 but who doesn't do dumb stuff when they're 18? 433 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:49,484 Joan? I stole my gym teacher's husband. 434 00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:52,881 So, there you go. 435 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,593 Well. What else you got, callers? 436 00:19:56,828 --> 00:19:58,455 Going once, going... Here we go. 437 00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:03,197 Yeah, hi. Can you tell me more about the corn maze at the Harvest Festival? 438 00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:04,565 Are dogs allowed? 439 00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:09,196 Hello. Hello. 440 00:20:09,608 --> 00:20:10,802 How did it go today? 441 00:20:11,176 --> 00:20:12,200 It was super fun. 442 00:20:12,344 --> 00:20:13,606 It was? Yeah. 443 00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:15,171 You have a list for tomorrow? 444 00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:19,375 You want to do this again tomorrow? 445 00:20:19,451 --> 00:20:21,248 Yes, I do. I mean, it's the deal, right? 446 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,220 I got to do it for a whole month, and then, 447 00:20:23,288 --> 00:20:24,721 you're not going to move to Indianapolis. 448 00:20:32,698 --> 00:20:34,393 I better be the only person you kissed today. 449 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,226 Yeah, I'm positive that you are. 450 00:20:41,940 --> 00:20:43,965 If I thought you were serious, I'd be offended, Perd. 451 00:20:44,042 --> 00:20:45,236 But I know that we're buddies. 452 00:20:45,310 --> 00:20:46,641 And I know you wouldn't do that to me. 453 00:20:46,712 --> 00:20:49,510 But, no, this is a birthmark, Perd. Okay? 454 00:20:49,781 --> 00:20:52,841 This is the little scar I got when I was nine and I fell off my bike. 455 00:20:52,951 --> 00:20:54,748 So, no, I'm not perfect. 456 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,745 I can't look away. It's amazing. 457 00:20:57,823 --> 00:20:59,484 Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Now, here's the best part. 458 00:20:59,658 --> 00:21:03,116 Okay, that's all the time we have here on Ya' Heard? 459 00:21:03,195 --> 00:21:05,322 I'm Perd Hapley, Channel Four. 460 00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:06,761 More like "Turd Crapley." 461 00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:09,131 Yes. Yes. Yeah? 462 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,433 Bravo! Thank you very much.